Sluggy Freelance

Sluggy Freelance is a webcomic by Pete Abrams started on August 25, 1997.

Chapter 1: Is It Not Nifty

Torg: Let's see how Riff makes use of the internet!

Riff: I'm trying to summon the devil on-line.

Torg:Wouldn't it be easier to just e-mail him?

Riff:Yes! Spam satan! - 25 August 1997

Zoë: Aw, what a cute bunny!

Bun-bun: You are in my spot, toots. I'm going to have to hurt you on principle. - 26 September 1997

Chapter 2: The Sci-Fi Adventure

Pseudo Star-Fleet Officer: I'm sorry we cannot help you get home to your dimension. We have a pressing mission to get cough-syrup to a dying planet. - 5 October 1997

Chapter 3: Holiday Seasons

Zoë: Can you believe that pompous jerk? What a...

Sam: I'm still here, putting on my jacket on, haven't left the room yet! Almost... - 5 November 1997

Chapter 4: The Slug-Files

Sam: (on Torg) I'm going to set him up on a date...

Kiki: Yes, a date! Torg will be happy, you will be free to chase Zoë, everyone wins! And you stay good!

Sam: …a date with someone I met on the internet!

Kiki: Noooo Sam! Don't plan Torg's death! Stay good, Sam! - 3 January 1998

Chapter 5: Valerie

Riff: I forgot Sam was so in love with Zoë! If he never made it to her place, he's probably dead.

Torg: I forgot Sam set me up on that blind date. If he's alive, he's dead!

Bun-bun: I forgot I killed Sam! He's definitely dead! - 24 March 1998

Riff: I was a little worried. Kiki is very curious and I have lots of dangerous inventions around my apartment.

Torg: You're not worried any more? (A device sticks out of the wall of Riff's apartment)

Riff: Nah, life's too short to waste worrying about the inevitable. (smoke rises from Riff's window) - 5 April 1998

Torg: I don't know what scares me more. The thought of having an affair with Val, or the fact that I derive my morals from tabloid talkshows. - 26 April 1998

Chapter 6: Torg Goes to Hell

Horribus: Welcome to the Dimension of Pain!

Torg: Thanks! Can I use your restroom?

Horribus: Nope. - 28 April 1998

Torg: Only MY Bun-bun would kick my ass for trying to give him a hug!

Riff: And only OUR Torg would be dumb enough to use that as a gauge for whether he's home or not! - 17 May 1998

Chapter 7: Summer Vacation

Zoë: "Mom, I couldn't study for finals because I had to help rescue a friend from hell, and send his body double to another dimension."

Riff: She won't buy it? - 2 June 1998

Riff: You saw her devour entire starship crew! You saw what her kind did to an entire space station!

Torg: Do you know how hard it is to find a competent secretary? - June 14 1998

Torg: With my secretary encased in a cocoon, I can't get a lot done.

Riff: And I don't have to worry about saving the world from an alien invasion now.

Zoë: And with the prophecy fulfilled, the comets won't destroy the earth for weeks.

Torg, Riff and Zoë: IT'S SUMMER VACATION TIME!

Torg and Riff: Comets?

Zoë: School is out and the office is closed, but that sounded too dull compared to you guys. - 18 June 1998

Zoë: (about staying with Bun-bun) This is cruel and unusual punishment!

Bun-bun: Yup, I'm both! - 26 June 1998

Zoë: I think of Torg as a friend, a brother. My desire to punch Val in the head is more like a hobby. - 27 August 1998

Chapter 8: Vampires

Zoë: I don't believe this! Just when I think we might be having a nice, ordinary issue to deal with, like adultery, you come in screaming about vampires! What happened to normal problems, like credit-card debt?

Riff: The undead always pay their balances off in full. - 2 September 1998

Torg: Wow! When you become a vampire, men become broad shouldered and muscle-bound and women become tall and thin! You ever think of selling this on QVC?

Lysinda: Foolish mortal... Do you really think humanity would give up its immortal soul just to look good?

[Both look at audience.]

Lysinda: Sylvia...

Sylvia: "Infomercials next quarter", check. - 27 September 1998

Chapter 9: Return of the Holiday Seasons

Torg: Aylee! Where are all my clients?

Aylee: I removed them from your contact list at their request.

Torg: DID YOU EAT ANOTHER CLIENT?

Aylee: NO! no...no. I just gnawed on one a bit! I guess news travels fast. Don't worry, his leg will grow back. - 8 January 1999

Chapter 10: K'Z'K

Torg:(after seeing Gwynn being possessed by a demon) You Dated THAT?

Riff: She has a great personality.

Zoe: See you guys when your survival instinct kicks in. - 31 January 1999

K'Z'K: (Dangling Dr. Lorna off the Empire State Building) AWWW, DON'T FAINT, LORNA! I THOUGHT YOU LIKED LOOKING DOWN ON OTHERS! - 28 February 1999

Narrator: And another adventure draws to a close with the classic happy ending. Happy except for the fact that Berk is dead, Aylee is gone, and Gwynn is a soulless vegetable. At least the bad guy got away! Ok, so the ending wasn't so happy, but hey, you can be happy to know nothing else can go wrong! (Shortly afterwards, Zoë is fired) - 3 March 1999

Chapter 11: Mecha Easter Bunny

Santa: This unstoppable force has but one goal...to destroy Bun-bun!

[Elf whispers in Santa's ear.]

Santa: Two goals! To destroy Bun-bun and deliver Easter eggs!

[Elf whispers in Santa's ear.]

Santa: Three goals! To destroy Bun-bun, deliver Easter eggs and destroy Tokyo! - 21 March 1999

Chapter 14: The Storm Breaker Saga

Torg: I thought I loved her. I mean really loved her. Maybe Val became just built-up in my mind. When I saw her again... before... she acted differently towards me. I guess things weren't the same between us and I don't know how to feel.

Riff: Maybe you just thought you loved her because you thought she loved you. - 22 August 1999

Chapter 15: The Isle of Doctor Steve

Dr. Steve In any case, you know too much. Goodbye, Torg.

[Presses button]

[Trap door opens beneath Torg. He sinks approximately three inches.]

Torg: Isn't this trap door supposed to be deeper?

Dr. Steve: Like I got nothing better to do than dig pits. Oasis, please escort "Mr. Picky" to his cell. - 2 October 1999

Dr. Steve: Are we not all glorious machines? - 15 October 1999

Torg: (narrating) Oasis, although not human, seemed human in every regard, and even though I never had a chance to ask her "What's with the hair?" She sacrificed herself in the most human way possible. She died to save me. - 17 October 1999

Torg: (narrating) Isn't everything a little weird? We all know the answer. Man, machine, reality. What holds it together is that we're all nuts! And that is the ultimate truth, and maybe that's all we need. That and ferret-pee-proof upholstery. - 17 October 1999

Chapter 19: K I T T E N

Zoë: Max gave his life for us!

Torg: Kicking a kitten... a grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... it was the bravest thing I've ever seen. - August 13, 2000

Chapter 21: The Hunt

Riff: Torg, if you want to get your hand out of the jar, you're going to have to let go of the Candy-Corn.

Torg: But Candy-Corn rules! - 19 October 2000

Chapter 22; The Bug, The Witch and The Robot

Gwynn: I never look behind me. Partly because I'm afraid of what I'd see. Mostly because the bug wants me to. - 29 January 2001

K'Z'K: Perhaps I'll share more when you reach the end of the path.

Gwynn: You only say that because you know it goes nowhere.

K'Z'K: If it goes nowhere, why follow it?

Gwynn: To keep ahead of what's behind me. - 29 January 2001

K'Z'K: These humans can reach out to each other in a variety of ways. It's a subtle part of their design. Most aren't even aware that they're doing it. - 2 February 2002

Kusari: Why would I kill you? We're family. Besides, what good would it do now? Know thyself. Indeed. - 4 March 2001

Bun-bun: Why should I "give you" anything?

Gwynn: What did I ever do to you?

Bun-bun: What did you ever do for me? - 13 March 2001

Bun-bun: You're so obsessed with what's behind you, how about I shove your butt into it! - 13 March 2001

Narrator: She saw what followed her so closely in this dream world. It was "the end." No romantic afterlife for her. No heaven. No hell. Gwynn was about to simply cease to exist. Her whole life gone forever, and it terrified her. - 15 March 2001

Bun-bun: (quoted) Facing terror isn't half as fun as sharing it. - 18 March 2001

Gwynn: (grabbing K'Z'K) You're so obsessed with what's behind me! How about I shove your butt into it!

K'Z'K: Wait-Wait-Wait! By the way, this is the most unconventional game of poker I've ever played.

Gwynn: House rules. (Throws K'Z'K into the void) - 18 March 2001

Gwynn: This is for you.

Bun-bun: A carrot cake? Why?

Gwynn: (smiles) No reason. Just don't say I never did anything for you. - 21 March 2001

Demon: Master! Gwynn and the Storm Breaker are across the street and vulnerable. Do we attack?

Skippy: The erasure of that part of K'Z'K was due to his impatience, not those meatlings. We have no further business with them. The book is closed here. It will open somewhere else. For them, the slate is clean, and that's as good an ending as anything. - 1 April 2001

Chapter 23: Spring in the Air

Bun-bun: It finally feels like spring! I don't think anything can ruin my good mood.

(Kiki jumps around happily, annoying Bun-bun)

Bun-bun: "Oh", God says, "a challenge!" - 16 April 2001

Sasha: So I hear Torg's freelance business went under.

Zoë: Yeah. Wonder what he's going to do now.

Sasha: Maybe get a "real" job like everyone else. (pause) I'm the only one at this table with a "real" job, aren't I?

Zoë: (taken aback) But I'm a full-time student!

Gwynn: (offended) I'm looking. You got a problem with that?

Riff: (indifferent) I'm making a death-ray gun out of straws and ice cubes! - 9 May 2001

Dr. Schlock: (on Aylee's decision to start her own business) Yes. You did it for Torg. NOT some instinctive mandate. You have left the comfortable birdcage of instinct to try and fly on your own. You are charting your own course now. It is only natural to be anxious. - 1 June 2003

Chapter 26: Changes

Clone Aylee: Riff, you've always feared my kind. Always wanted to destroy me. But you are too insignificant to be a threat to me. Normally I would just kill you. Or ignore you. But you are just so damn irritating, you deserve to suffer. Ok, big shot, how about I eat every human at this party, ALL of them, and save you for last? You just try and stop me by any means possible.

Riff: You would devour this whole party for a game! Torg's been wrong about you all these years, Aylee. You've just been waiting to show us your true colors. You evil monster! You never fooled me!

Sasha: That's just Riff's way of saying "I'm sorry, don't eat my friends, Aylee!" - 22 October 2001

Bun-bun: (explaning his and Gwynn's decision to not try to stop Clone Aylee) Gwynn and I are alike in that there's one person on the planet we truly care about.

Gwynn: Ourselves.

Bun-bun: I was going to say "me". - 28 October 2001

Clone Aylee: Your friends are alive, incapacitated and stacked in the backyard. A monument to you, Riff. - 4 November 2001

Clone Aylee: You know how it feels to be powerless. To be on the verge of death. To fail your friends. Hold on to that. Bottom line, if you or any of your friends interfere in my business again, I'll put away the kid gloves. - 4 November 2001

Chapter 27: Fire and Rain

Zoë: I guess halfway across the country isn't far enough from you, Torg. - 16 February 2002

Zoë: Why was I trying to hurt Torg so much? I know he always means well. I remember him diving off a pier to save a little girl without thinking. "Without thinking" being the operative words. - 19 February 2002

Zoë: (to herself, as Torg drives away) Say something Zoë... Do something Zoë... Funny how time speeds up. And the moment is gone. - 20 February 2002

Chapter 29: Books

Torg: This looks like a job for emergency pants! - 17 April 2002

Gwynn: [awakening with a severe hangover] Ohhhh! My head! ...whadda you want?

Riff: We find you naked with Bun-Bun, the smell of alfalfa maragritas thick in the air. You think I don't know what's going on?

[beat]

Riff: What the hell's going on?!? - 21 April 2002

Chapter 30: Dangerous Days Ahead

Clone Aylee: Aren't I your friend, Torg?

Torg: Don't make fun of the friendship we had, Aylee! This used to be our apartment complex! This was our home!

Clone Aylee: How fitting.

Torg: Aylee, can't we just talk? Alone?

Clone Aylee: It's Chen's job to talk. Killum's job to administer pain. My job is simply to watch. And laugh. Goodbye, Torg.

Torg: See you later, Aylee!

Clone Aylee: I meant that "goodbye" to sound more final.

Torg: Right. - 16 June 2002

Hereti-Corp Guard 1: Where are the reinforcements?

Hereti-Corp Guard 2: They're pinned down by a small bunny.

Hereti-Corp Guard 1: What?

Hereti-Corp Guard 2: They're calling for reinforcements.

Hereti-Corp Guard 1: Reinforcements aren't allowed to call for reinforcements! That's just silly! - 23 June 2002

Torg: Aylee, before I push this button, probably killing us all, I want you to answer one question. Not "why", but "HOW"! How could you do this to me and our friends? Is it because you lost your soul? Or have you been tricking me this whole time, making me think you had one? - 15 July 2002

Clone Aylee: I think I've benefited greatly from being able to analyze my life from an objective position. Without my previous ties or emotions getting in the way, I could make the choice; subservient secretary to a moron or new dominant species of this world. If you could do that, you might be less of a weenie.

Torg: But you've lost sight of the fact that it is our weeniness that makes us human!

Clone Aylee: The defense rests.

Torg: Okay, I totally didn't think that one through. - 16 July 2002

Clone Aylee: I just want my victory over my past life to be complete. Taking Bun-bun out in fair one-on-one combat was the first half. Now I want to get past every trap Riff has set for me. Riff has been against me from the very beginning. Those fools at Hereti-Corp who seek to control me actually thought he was a risk to me. I will prove them wrong. You shall be witness to it. I want to see his last surprise while he dies in the corner. So if you don't hit that button right now, I will!

Torg: (frantically) Dude! I've been hitting this button non-stop since you said you took out Bun-bun! But nothing's happening. - 18 July 2002

Aylee: Did you really think that evil monster was me, Torg?

Torg: I'm sorry, Aylee. During the past few days, my whole world's been turned inside out. But I was wrong. I looked to enemies as friends and treated friends as enemies. I should have known you better, and I should have known Riff better. In the end, it's our bonds of friendship that keep us from falling overboard.

Riff: YOU SHOT ME!

Torg: Oh, wonk, wonk, wonk. "Bonds of friendship," man. Let it go. - 26 July

Riff: Torg, you don't seem yourself lately. I mean, you just cut someone's head off. I saw you assault an old man with your bare hands. I remember a time when the worst weapon you'd use was a frisbee, and only when bikini-clad women were involved. - 2 August 2002

Riff, then Torg: To bikini suicide frisbee girls. - 2 August 2002

Torg: Wow! It's been a rough few weeks for us! Riff, I think you were right when you spoke of "dangerous days ahead." I think a lot has changed because of it. It has cost us, but nothing goes downhill forever. Except maybe reality TV shows. - 1 September 2002

Chapter 31: Torg Potter and the Sorceror's Nuts

September 24 2002:

Gandledorf: Wunnybun is the house for bad guys. Reward them amicably? Treat them with respect? They may become good, and then our paperwork would be all screwed up. The hardest thing about winning is trying to do so without losing something of greater importance. Unless it is what you wanted to lose all along.

Chapter 32: Scary Chapter

October 25 2002

Riff: Don't go to sleep or the kittens will eat you.

Lucy: I can't sleep?

Riff: No, I made it up. I was going to use "Come with me if you want to live," but that's been done.

Lucy: I...I think I'm going into shock!

Riff: Fine, YOU try coming up with good satanic-kitten-hunting catch phrases.

November 12 2002

Bones: Dart, you A-company guys are in no shape to fight. Get the other kittens back to base.

Dart: Good luck, Bones.

Bones: Don't need luck: I've been killing kittens since I was ten!

Dart: That's...um...disturbing...

November 22 2002

Dart: I should be in charge, Acey! Riff just won the vote because HIS friends are still alive and kittens have ripped most of my friends into small irregular shapes.

Acey: Funny how that worked.

December 5 2002:

Riff: Flaky once said only humans play games with death and war. But there is one other species on the face of the planet that also turns death into a game.

Sid: Germs?

Ed: Those other humans?

Zoë: Any carnivore trying to survive?

Riff: Kittens. (pause) But these are Satan's kittens, and we're more the mice than anyone suspected.

Chapter 34: Kesandru's Well

March 5 2003:

Torg: IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE!

Riff: Fine, if your burger is too rare, we'll just cook it longer for you.

Torg: Make it black as the darkest reaches of my soul!

Riff: Medium it is.

Torg: Thanks, man!

Riff: You may be mad, but it's a wussy-mad.

June 13 2003

Gwynn: Let me go, Riff! This is what I must do. Let me be the hero for once.

Riff: Sorry, ma'am. I'm union.

Chapter 36: Chamberpot of Secretions

October 4 2003

Professor Santory Snapekin : Duh-mentors are guards of the wizard prison for eternal torment! No one can hope to escape them save for running away very quickly, and even that rarely works. I happen to have reserved a few for just such an occasion! Here they come now! [realizes Torg is running away very quickly] Hey, get back here!

Duh-mentor 1 Told him about the "running away very quickly" thing, didn't you?

Duh-mentor 2: Putz.

Chapter 38: Holiday Wars: Thanksgiving

December 3 2003:

General Gohblair: Do you know the difference between Thanksgiving and all the other holidays, Mrs. Claus? Santa gblgblgives gifts, the Easter bunny gblgblgives eggs, we gblgblgive our lives!

Chapter 39: Holiday Wars: Christmas

December 17 2003:

Basphomy: Alien Santa was once a fighter like yourself. Now he is a broken thing. You must be broken to move like he does. Otherwise he will destroy you the second you move out of dream-time.

Bun-bun: Wait, are you saying Santa's in the same boat? Santa's in gift-giving mode and as soon as I'm in egg-hiding mode I'll match his speed?

Basphomy: Yes.

Bun-bun: Ok how do I turn this power on?

Basphomy: You don't turn it on. You give in to it.

January 4 2004:

Basphomy: You did not seem like the world-conquering type.

Bun-bun: Well, at least until it gets boring or until he drives me nuts.

Shadow: What?

Basphomy: Then what?

Bun-bun: Then anything I want.

January 11 2004:

Santa: We'll never see that rabbit again.

Mrs. Claus: Isn't that what you said the last time you tossed him into the void, dear?

Chapter 40: Boys' Night Out

March 5 2004:

Phillinon: (striking Grabrijan) And this is how you betray her memory?!?! You dare use a child of Lysinda in your cowardly deceptions? It is fitting that you have nothing to show for it except fangless servants.

Grabrijan: Dear Phillinon, the Lysinda Circle Vampire of whom you speak is an idiot! He is a weak useless simpleton! I have never had a privilege of watching a more pathetic disgusting and weak vampire in ANY circle than I have seen in the Lysinda Circle vampire named Sam!

Chapter 42: That Which Redeems

May 20 2004:

[A Bun-bun visits from an alternate dimension]

Riff: [to Torg] Is that the place you called the Dimension of Lame?

Torg: Um... well... uh... yeah.

Alt. Bun-bun: "Lame"... it's true. Whereas our Riff has invented many things to help people walk, in some areas of my world there are some who cannot.

Riff: Well, I feel like a jerk.

Torg: Did I mention there's no beer in this dimension?

Riff: Lame!

June 22 2004:

Chaz: I am neither good nor evil. I am just a sword. Wield me as you will, master.

June 22 2004:

Chaz: "Innocent" is merely a term my master would understand. All societies draw moral distinctions at different places.

July 5 2004:

Alt-Gwynn: I do not condone your use of violence, but I at least see the good that has resulted from it.

July 6 2004:

Chaz: That which redeems consumes.

Torg: Come again?

Chaz: You are the soul who escaped on Lord Horribus's watch. I've been in that stand in your bedroom for years. I've heard all your stories. He seeks not you but redemption.

Torg: "Consumes"...Sword, are you telling me he's going to eat me?

Chaz: I'm not saying he's not, but you're missing the point.

July 7 2004:

Chaz: Once upon a time one of my masters had a friend whose soul turned dark. This friend committed many heinous acts. For his sins a sage opened his eyes to the full scope of what he had done. Stern punishment indeed, for few can face the sorrow they inflict. He turned to god, seeking penance for his sins. Luckily for a man of his skills, this god commanded that those who did not follow him were to be destroyed. At least in one interpretation. So heinous were his acts that his atrocities had to be that much more to make up for them. His blinded faith consumed him.

Torg: "That which redeems consumes."

Chaz: My master said that to encapsulate his friend's life.

Torg: What happened to this friend?

Chaz: My master slew him in combat and took me from him.

August 26 2004:

Kent: You gotta respect a girl who realizes that romantic relationships are built on lies and goes to town with it!

Chapter 43: That Which Redeems II

September 16 2004

Torg: I'm sick of you guys and your lame ridiculous world. Outside of the occasional supply run, I'm probably going to enjoy the rest of my probably short life walled off from the demons and YOU- ALL alike.

September 16 2004

Torg: Because unless you fight, all of that stuff you're so proud of achieving is going bye-bye forever. Have you seen their world? The demons will leave nothing behind and then lament about how bored they are when you are gone. That's your precious legacy

Alt-Gwynn: If to protect our culture of non-violence, we must resort to violence, we have already lost.

Torg: You have a point. (pause) So go. Be lost.

September 22 2004:

Sweral: When you start with wussie mortals, you get wussie demons. Sure, they steal souls and rend flesh occasionally, but they choke up in a pinch, present company excluded. (to Alt-Kiki)

October 12 2004:

Unholy Evil Death Bringer: Good evening master. Whom shall we kill today?

Torg FRED!

Unholy Evil Death Bringer: It appears I already did.

[1]:

Unholy Evil Death Bringer:Good evening master. Whom shall we kill today?

Torg: A God Damned Demon Lord

November 22 2004:

Torg: Redemption is overrated.

November 22 2004

Unholy Evil Death Bringer: You impress me master. How did you know that what you sought was redemption and not righteous vengeance?

Torg: Horribus didn't promise to keep her safe.

(Torg is talking about the promise he made on July 15, 2004)

December 3 2004:

Torg: They may not be as good as they think, but they've got buckets of innocence! (about the Dimension of Lame)

December 5 2004:

Alt-Gwynn: But this is the first new card I've seen since the change... Do you know what it means?

Torg: I'm really not sure but I think that depends on what other cards you play with it.

(Gwynn is holding a card wit Mosp on it that says "Redemption")

December 7 2004

Torg: What gets to me is that Zoë never said a word. She didn't want me to know I was a substitution for a lost love. And who was she replacing for me?

December 7 2004:

Torg: All of this, from start to finish. The demons, the death, all of it so that you could "make things right." Bravo.

(Torg, to Alt-Riff)

Chapter 45: Oceans Unmoving

January 24, 2005

Kada: It generates tunneling waveforms based loosely on Linde's proposal on waveforms!

Makz: Kada, baby, the only word I understood there was "on."

Kada: You didn't understand the word "proposal?"

Makz: Barely. I'm too afraid of commitment.

February 6 2005

Calix: Why'd he make me first mate?

Murdock: He does that all the time. I think he feels safer knowing where the next mutiny will come from.

February 25 2005

Donaly: He's doin' the Clothos Legacy by force, mate! Roundin' up slaves for his city! If you're not shippin' for him, you're scrubbing his floors. Jacobs is a heartless bastard just like you.

Bun-bun Not like me. He wants to rule the roost. I just want to poach a few eggs and leave.

March 4 2005

Donaly: CAPTAIN BUN-BUN, YOU CHEATED! YOU JUST CAN'T RENAME SHIPS AT WILL! A SHIP'S NAME IS HER HEART! AND THE SOUL OF HER CAPTAIN! (Bun-bun glares at Donaly. The "Laser Sword", previously the "Bloody Bun" is renamed the "Loser Sore"). Sigh.

March 15 2005

Bun-bun: You don't want Teknokon One! This hell is your home. You just want your village back.

(To Calix)

March 21 2005

Stu: There's no need to hurt anybody.

Donaly: Honest Stu only lies to himself. Around here, there's always a need to hurt somebody!

March 24 2005

Kada: Lab partners and managers drive me out of the workforce! I go freelance so nobody'll judge me by appearance! Now I'm blasted out of the fregging timestream! And you know what? MEN ARE STILL TECH-GRABBING OFF ME LIKE I'M A FREGGIN' SPLAT!

April 13 2005

Kada: Supposedly this "Jacobs" is a bigger bad guy than you?

Bun-bun: Don't count on it.

April 15 2005

Bun-bun: You know, by all accounts you should be dead by now, like everyone who's ticked me off to the degree you have. But, Calix, when we first shanghaied you, I thought I saw something in you that I liked. Now that I have the opportunity to crush your soul, I like you even more.

April 17 2005

Bun-bun: You and I are flukes around here, Calix! Everyone else in this cursed place is a socially unskilled math-head falling out of time from a botched experiment. Your ingenious mutiny against me consisted of tossing a calculator to a bunch of cavemen and wondering why they couldn't balance their budget. And now your villagers and my crew are either dead or slaves for the noble Sir John Jacobs. Well played.

Chapter 48: Oceans Unmoving II

September 20 2005

Sir John Jacobs: Lady Noga of the Mortar and Pestle. Odd, I didn't hear you announced. I haven't even called for you.

Lady Noga: But you were going to, nyet?

Sir John Jacobs: Why, you're right! Once again Lady Noga has anticipated my very thoughts. She's so right! She's always right! And now she's going to get her smug, bony, correct ass out of my office and wait for me to call her properly, secure in the knowledge that I know she saw it coming the whole time.

Lady Noga: You take fun out of everthink.

Sir John Jacobs: Oops! Wrong on that one. I'm a fun guy.

October 18 2005

Face: I've never seen Bun-bun laugh without blood on a deck!

(Face, after Bun-bun learns that escaping is as simple as accessing system administrator privileges)

November 8 2005

Mousse: Wait, Stu is right for once?

Paté: The amount he talks? You gotta like those odds.

November 17 2005

Mousse This better not work or there'll be no living with him! What am I talking about? Stu's plans never work anyway! Unless they involve screwing me over! Somehow this is gonna hurt!

December 16 2005

Patches: I've seen men go down that way. They look like they're trying to swim in quicksand. There's no way out of that. You drown or timefreeze. And if you timefreeze down there? No one, man or god, will ever find you. It's the forever end, and it scares me to death.

(About the "Oceans Unmoving")

January 20 2006

Patches: They were horrible. But may the water take them before the Long Gray.

(About Bun-bun and Blacksoul)

January 23 2006:

(Murdock is talking with T. Borchlotz)

Murdock (to T. Borchlotz) I kept my pet bird Ralph a secret. That's kind of like lying. Stu never lied. That's good, right?

(flash back to the Bloody Bun, where Calix is about to walk the plank)

Stu: Kind of ironic him being on the plank when it was me leading Captain Donaly to Kada that caused him to cross your village's path in the first place. If not for me, you'd all be there happily planting crops and...

(Stu is on the plank with Calix)

Calix: You should learn to talk less.

Stu: I gotta be me.

February 21 2006:

Lady Noga: Hello darlinks! If you don't want me to be findink you, you should not be leaving precious belonkinks. They lead me to you like moth to flame! um... Us being fireproof moth, of course.

February 24 2006:

Calix: Captain Bun-bun was right. I've been a fool. I'm outside my village now. Out here, things are desperate. Out here, right and wrong don't matter. Only survival for you and those you care about.

February 24 2006:

Calix:(to the departing Lady Noga) For all your power you're naught but a coward.

February 26 2006:

Kada: Stu, I'm so sorry. We'll find the freggin' splats and when we do...

Stu: No... Kada... you... you should know, before your time, we caribs were created to be docile servants of man. When we fought and won our freedom, we became seen as unwanted... interlopers. Scorned by society, we were called splats. "Splat" is a derogatory term for carib. I thought you should know.

Kada: I... Stu, I had no idea! It's just a word! I thought it was actually a derogatory term for roadkill!

Stu: Yes, that's how they attacked us. My mother was killed by a Buick. [Kada stares at him in disbelief] HA-HA! Now I know why you guys lie all the time! It's funny!

Kada: Why, you..!

Stu: Heh... it hurts when I laugh... [dies]

February 27 2006

B.A. (to T. Borchlotz) You think Admiral Jacobs wants out of this dump? He's a king, here.

March 5 2006:

T. Borchlotz: We're all doomed here. All you're doing is giving the fight for survival bigger guns. Do you think the head of Admiral Jacobs on a pike will bring peace to this nightmare world?

Calix: No.

T. Borchlotz: Then when does it end for you, "pirate king"?

Calix: When right and wrong matter again.

Chapter 49: Homeward

April 27 2006

Bun-bun: So you had an "affair" with this alternate-dimension Zoë and you feel like you've betrayed our Zoë. Get your love off a pedestal. You dated some girl with a strong physical resemblance to Zoë. Meanwhile, she was dating Leo, a guy with a strong geek-level resemblance to you. So freaking what?

Torg: She was closer to Zoë than that, Bun-bun. She was... she was as close as I'm ever going to get to her.

Bun-bun: Lemme grab my violin so I can brain you with it.

May 9 2006

[discussing Oasis]

Torg: If we can find the ruin's of Doctor Steve's lab and get a spare watch, or even capture Oasis herself... if there's any technological solution to this problem... then Riff could solve it. In the end, what if there's only a more... violent solution?

Bun-bun: Then I can solve it. You have my word.

Chapter 50: Phoenix Rising

August 20 2006

[Gennaro meets his new department head]

Gennaro: No, really, you're kidding, right? I'm working for a frog?!?

Frog: No. Technically, you're working for two frogs as Corsica has seniority.

Gennaro: I killed my co-workers and boss for this?

Corsica: RIBBIT!

Frog: Corsica would like you to fetch her a diet Shasta from the evil lounge.

[Gennaro leaves the room, swearing to himself]

Roberts: Corsica asked for diet soda?

Frog: How should I know what she said? She's a @#$&ing frog!

September 10 2006

[As Officer Tod brushes off Nash Straw's attempts to report a robbery]

Nash Straw: Yeah, well, I'm a reporter, and I can smell this story a mile away. This town may have its secrets, but I'm going to sniff 'em out!

[the next panel shows Nash in a jail cell, speaking to his tape recorder]

Nash: First secret: cops here are crooked.

September 13 2006

Torg: You... you really helped me!

Bun-bun: Careful, nerdboy.

Torg: I'm going to gush!

Bun-bun: Tears or blood? Because if there's one, there's both!

October 4 2006

Nash: Miss, I was just looking for a dark drink in a dark hole-in-the-wall. I think I've come to the wrong place.

Cindi: (smiling brightly) Oh, everyone's sad in this town. I just mock them with irony.

Nash: I'll just make my way to the bar then. You know. To count all the reasons I have to be depressed.

Cindi: I'm too young to work here, but my daddy owns the bar, so your sadness makes me rich!

Chapter 51: Brain Games

January 12 2007

Torg: Everyone has kind of abandoned Zoë. I'm not sure what's more dangerous to her, having nobody in her life or being stabbed over and over again with Oasis' jealous knives. ...oh... right.

January 14 2007

[after Riff has spent weeks being nonresponsive in therapy]

Riff: A "family"? I don't know if I'd go that far. But I don't much like my family. Hmmmm, yeah, idealistically, we are kind of a family. My mom wouldn't know the first thing about being part of a "family", let me tell you! That one science fair when she actually seemed proud of me? I think I've been inventing my whole life just so she'd stop for a second and notice I was even there at all! [bell dings] Huh? What do you mean my hour's up?!?

Chapter 52: Aylee

February 9 2007

Dr. Schlock: Why is my life so complicated?

Kiki: (suddenly popping up) 'cause you suck!

Dr. Schlock: (startled) Gyah! What?

Kiki: Aw, that's just how Bub-Bun answers questions! What was your question again?

Dr. Schlock: Why are you here?

Kiki: 'cause you suck!

February 11 2007

Torg's Shoulder-Angel: If you stay living with Zoë, she's in danger from the jealous assassin named Oasis. If you leave, then all of her friends will have officially abandoned her. Both choices have downsides for Zoë, which you don't want to cause, but right and wrong has nothing to do with this choice.

Torg's Shoulder-Devil: SKIN GWYNN ALIVE AND HIDE IN HER SKIN! OASIS WON'T KNOW IT'S YOU AND WHEN YOU RECORD YOU MAKING OUT WITH ZOË IT'LL LOOK LIKE TWO GIRLS SO YOU CAN UPLOAD IT TO YOOTOOB AND BECOME A STAR!!!

March 28 2007

Torg: Stupid Dimensional Flux Agitator! I always think this time, this time, maybe it'll be pleasant! Can I end up in a dimension of topless lambada-dancing cheerleaders just once?! (looks around) Oh, that's just great. The ghouls chasing me already know I'm here, but I didn't think my yelling would alert other ghouls ahead of me. (looks at female ghoul) Unless you're here for another reason? Maybe to do some ghoul lambada? Maybe you were a cheerleader before? Maybe? Nope? Just here to eat the flesh of my bones, then? Hmm? Lame! (brains the ghoul with a strip of metal and runs away) I hate the Dimensional Flux Agitator!

June 15 2007

[meeting the president of the alternate dimension]

Torg: Kesandru! EYYYYAAAAH! Bad-Guy Alert! Bad-Guy Alert!

Kesandru: He knows my real name! Initiate a security lockdown and jam his Bad-Guy Alert before it's too late!

Sharon: I think he was saying "Bad-Guy Alert". I don't think he has a Bad-Guy Alert.

Kesandru: Us paranoid guys can't be too careful.

June 20 2007

Kesandru: You know my past, Torg. I don't expect you to believe this, but living hundreds of years changes you. I used to toy with people, destroy people, all with the selfish goal of untold wealth and power. Now I want to help people, to make up for past deeds. Take steps to make this a better place for everyone! While still attaining untold wealth and power.

Torg: Politics. It's like having evil cake and eating it too!

June 22 2007

Robed Figure: It is time, Aylee. Time you knew.

Aylee: Ack! Creepy dream-guy!

Robed Figure: Your path of adaptation was different from ours, your spiritual senses unrefined; you did not know who you were hurting. We forgive you, sister.

Aylee: Forgive who what now?

Robed Figure: I've felt your presence since you arrived here. I sensed your fear, your loneliness. I know that you're dying, Aylee. (lowers his hood, revealing that he is a member of Aylee's species) But you can be at peace, for we are your people, Aylee. You are finally home.

July 11 2007

(as Leono explains his plan to take over Earth by adapting to the "most powerful species of the planet)

Aylee: Wait, wait, wait. Humans? Really?!?

Leono: Yeah, Aylee! They're on top of the food chain!

Aylee: Bears eat them. Sharks too! Cats eat old ladies and humans can't breathe underwater and isn't this planet mostly water?

Leono: Well, humans are clearly the smartest.

Aylee: Have you seen what they watch on MTV and cable news? Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are human, but... have you even looked at dolphins? And monkeys could clearly take over given the right opportunity...

July 24 2007

Leono: It is time to stand up and take your rightful place! To finally belong! It's what you always wanted!

Aylee: The 'belonging' I always wanted involved more hugs and party-games, and less being bossed around and killing humans I like.

August 3 2007

Leono: Aylee, God will strike you down for this unforgivable betrayal!

Aylee: It's comforting to know God's always got the same opinion you do. I envy your faith.

Leono: You owe me this much! Tell me why, Aylee! Why?!?

Aylee: The long talk with Torg came down to good guys and bad guys. You eat their children and use ours as shields.

Leono: This has nothing to do with good and bad! There is a purity and a clarity to what you are! You can't run from your nature!

Aylee: (after a pause, tearfully) I'll adapt.

Chapter 53: A Time for Healing

October 8 2007

Monica: (walking into her apartment) I'm home, empty home! Wait, am I talking to myself? Because that'd be crazy, to be talking out loud like this unless... (points at Riff) Nope, jerky ex-boyfriend still thinks he lives here!

Riff: Where I live is no longer your concern! We're broken up, remember?!?

Torg: Hi!

Monica: Who is he?

Riff: Can you go a minute without giving me the third degree?!?

November 12 2007

[after Torg discovers that Zoë's head has been magically shaved during his time away, the two try to recap the past four weeks for each other]

Zoë: OK Torg, you go first!

Torg: It was a hairy situation! We were behind the cue-ball and had to scalp out plans to lay low, because there was an alternate version of Aylee's species attacking and Sinéad waste to ninety percent of the planet! The shiny dome of a planet! The battle words Zoë verb balllld preposition. Zoë balllld. Z'baallllld.

Zoë: Fine. I'll go first.

Torg: Oh thank God!

Chapter 54: Mandatory Applause

February 19 2008

Gunman Stan McKurt: Backwards messed up lettering. You see, my pappy had acute dyslexia. He thought he was off to the newfangled penny arcade theatre. He followed the signs and walked right off that ffilc. Finding your father at the bottom of a ffilc with a face covered in doolb... I've seen hell. Do your worst, Pamela.

Chapter 55: Torg Potter and the Giblets with Fiber

April 16 2008

[after a secret note informs Torg of the final challenge in the Tri-Gizzard Tournament]

Torg: Hey! I don't think it's fair for only me to be given a clue.

Weaselo: What are you saying?

Torg: We make up clues for everybody else.

April 25 2008

Lord Moldypants: Torg? Torg, get out of the caretaker's cottage.

Torg: No.

Lord Moldypants: Fine! We shall duel through the cottage! (strikes a pose) Lord Moldypants wielding a 10" wormwood wand with a rabbit-whisker core! (waits) Torg? Well? What are you rummaging around in there for?

[shotgun emerges from the window and presses against Lord Moldypants' face]

Torg: Torg wielding a 26" chrome-plated .724" back-bored barrel with a buckshot core.

April 29 2008

[as Torg defends himself with a shotgun]

Lord Moldypants: Stop retreating, you fools!

Minion: Then... what are you doing, master?

Lord Moldypants: Chasing you down to get you to stop retreating!

Minion: Then why are you running ahead of us?

Lord Moldypants: A brilliant strategist is always a few moves ahead!

May 06 2008

Gandledorf: There are difficult days ahead. The time will come when we have to choose between what is right and what is easy. You see, the Ministry of Ministering wants you to believe that he was murdered by Wizard Supreme Torg, but this is not the truth. It was the Dark Lord, "You Probably Don't Know Who", and he has returned! You will know him as Lord Moldypants and he will turn you to evil, murder your parents, and eat your pets! I do not know whether this is right or easy, but dammit, students, he could be here any moment! Run for your lives!

[the students flee screaming in terror]

Professor Goobergal: Was that really necessary, headmaster?

Gandledorf: I rented this hall out for a bar mitzvah in an hour and the caterers showed up early.

Chapter 56: A Time for Hair-Raising

May 30 2008

[regarding the Book of E-ville]

Aylee: The book is handing you the information you need to rescue Gwynn and Zoë? Do books normally do that?

Torg: This is a magic book. It follows its own rules.

Aylee: But should we be following them too?

Torg: If you have a better plan than boldly charging into a spirit-world based on info from a book that sounds like "evil" to help our comatose friends, I'd like to hear it.

Aylee: Call an ambulance for them?

Torg: Bah, you and your "clinical-medicine" mumbo-jumbo!

June 12 2008

Fezeel: You wish to enter the spirit world? You must pay a toll of... your soul!

Torg: Can I pay by credit card instead?

Fezeel: Only if the card is drawn on the bank of your soul.

Torg: Aren't they all?

June 27 2008

Torg: Chaz? Where do spirits go in a spirit world when you "kill" them?

[Torg use Chaz to stab Zefolas, who screams in agony before collapsing in a smoking pile]

Chaz: They have no idea.

June 30 2008

[the group discusses what they learned on the latest misadventure]

Riff: I hope Gwynn learned "Gwynn shouldn't mess with powers beyond her control!" [the device he is tinkering with begins beeping loudly] Uh-oh. You guys might want to jump up and run away, there may not be time to get a safe distance from the radioactive... [device falls silent] ...never mind. It fixed itself. Anywho, I learned spirit-booze gives me a headache and a blank memory.

Chapter 58: Fortune

November 19 2008

Bun-bun: Wait-wait-wait. Tell me this again...?

Torg: There was drinking and dancing! We were out at a night club! I got a smooch at the end!

Bun-bun: I just want to clarify. You were there the whole time with Zoë, you weren't drunk or overly medicated or anything, but you have no idea whether or not you were on a date?

Torg: Yes!

Bun-bun: Now do you understand, Kiki?

Kiki: Yes, Bun-bun. I now understand why he's a nerdboy.

November 21 2008

[exploring the underground lair]

Riff: This is all wrong! There isn't supposed to be a big room here! There were a lot of little closets I was using for my high explosives here! Then there's that loud noise that left me temporarily deaf in one ear, and now the explosives closets are gone and this big room suddenly magically appears... ohhhhh.

Torg: It doesn't matter how the big room got here; I have the perfect use for it! You're going to be amazed!

Riff: Mr. Geiger Counter might say it matters how the big room got here.

Zoë: On that note, I'll just run for my life now.

Chapter 59: bROKEN

January 14 2009

[finding the current keeper of the Fate-Web has become stuck in it]

Ex-Fate Spider: How long have you been there?

Current Fate Spider: Not long, a few months. I tripped on the home mortgage line and got tangled in this banking line, I think. No big deal.

February 4 2009

Riff: [consulting a piece of paper] Here's the plan. I'll take down anything at range. Torg, you hit 'em if they get close. Gwynn, keep back and magically repel any that try to flank us. [Torg snags the paper] Dammit!

Torg: Hey! Why'd you print out a different plan?

Gwynn: What does it say?

[Paper reads: "The Plan: Make up a plan involving Torg and Gwynn to placate them. Then shoot all the zombies before they get close enough to panic Torg and/or Gwynn resulting in one of us three getting stabbed with a sword and me getting kicked in the groin. Do not let Torg snag this page out of your hand."]

March 9 2009

Feng: Katie! If I don't survive this, tell your mother I'm sorry Oasis and I ever walked into your lives. You both deserve better.

Kusari: I don't intend to kill you, Feng.

Feng: I can see that from the fact that the lethal weapons on your back remain sheathed. In fact I get the chilling sense that you need me alive for some reason. Actually, I'm counting on it. Goodbye. [dives out a nearby window, only to have Kusari catch him by the wrist] Gotcha. [pulls Kusari out of the window with him]

May 7 2009

[Oasis arrives at Zoë's apartment]

Oasis: I'm looking for Torg! Is he here? [as Zoë flees up the stairs in terror] I remember you! You're Zoë! Torg told me he didn't love you and I believe him! Even though you're so pretty! But Torg was mistaken when he gave me his home address. It was just an empty lot. I wonder what else he was mistaken about. Why are you running from me? What did you do? (angrily) What did you do to Torg? What did you do with Torg?!?

May 11 2009

Bun-bun: I'll get right to the point. Red, you simply have to stop messing with and killing the dweebs in my life. They suck, I know, but they're my dweebs. You're making me mad. But you know what's going to make you madder than me? I know where Torg is and I'm not telling. [flicks open switchblade] So what are you going to do about it, crazy-pants?

May 20 2009

Strom: This is very bad, Monica. I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do.

Monica: ...I can't die! Not fair... we would bring back K'Z'K... I was supposed to see... The End...

Strom: Sounds sinful. Luckily for you, I'm a priest. You can confess your sins to me, Monica.

Monica: You're no priest. And my name... is... Erin... (dies)

Strom: Thanks, darlin'. A last name would have made that first name actually helpful. But your wallet, bloody fingerprints, and a strand of hair won't hurt. And you died with your eyes open, so you got to see "the end" after all.

June 1 2009

Zoë: [to a badly-wounded Aylee] There's a part of me that wants to blame Torg for this. It's the same part that thinks you should blame me. But I think we both know what Torg would do if he were here, with us in danger and Oasis on her way. He'd make a stand. So that's what I'm going to do, Aylee. Please note that this is the only time I'm going to do "what Torg would do" because the rest of the time he acts dumber than a jar of rocks.

July 7 2009

Gwynn: Did you ever have a memory you bury because you don't want to deal with it? You just trick yourself into not thinking of it. But then something makes it flash in front of your eyes.

July 16 2009

[Riff's Mark-19 has trapped Oasis by crushing her between its shoulder-mounted missile launchers]

Zoë: So what's the plan?

Riff: Get on the loudspeaker and talked to her about Torg or something. Keep her distracted, focused on you, and not on escaping. I'm going to check into why we appear to be jammed.

Zoë: Um... Riff? What would have happened if you grabbed Oasis through the bays and they still had missiles in them?

Riff: [after a momentary freeze] The arm range-of-motion is automatically restricted when the missile bays are loaded, silly! [whispering into recorder] Note to self... restrict arm range-of-motion when the missile bays are loaded.

Recorder: RECORDING JAMMED.

Riff: Dammit!

July 21 2009

Zoë: Oasis, Torg and I are just friends. Don't you understand the difference between love and friendship? Don't you have any friends?

Oasis: They're all gone. Left behind. Blown up. Dead. Torg is all I have left and I can't trust him! I love Torg so badly, the thought he won't return that love makes me want to die. And I can't die! But you can, and then I'll be all he has left too.

July 28 2009

[after Zoë realizes that Torg is in love with her]

Oasis: I knew it! See, I do know my Torg! And after I marry him, I'm going to kill him!

Zoë: No, Oasis. You aren't. And you don't know Torg. On the surface he's ridiculous enough to make you scream or laugh depending on which way he's pointed. But I've seen time and time again, under that lies real courage. And strength. Ever since the news broke about you attacking the pizza place today, all I could think about is telling Torg. Because I knew he'd run to my side. I mean, with friends like Bun-bun and Riff, I could pick a better "bodyguard"... no, I couldn't. He's the one I want by my side... always...because... [realizes]

August 4 2009

[an explosion leaves Oasis with severe injuries, including a broken spine]

Oasis: I can't move, ever again! And I can't die! How can I stop Zoë now? How can I walk down the aisle now? [screams as her eyes begin to glow]

[an alarm sounds inside the Mark-19]

Zoë: Riff, what's happening?

Riff: Heat spike! [Zoë bursts into flames] Zoë!!! Noooo!

August 5 2009

Gwynn: Don't you dare tell me this is going to be OK! Torg, you don't understand! I dreamt this coming and only realized it when it was too late! Zoë died! My best friend just died! So did yours!

Torg: And I'm telling you, you don't understand. Zoë and Riff are both alive!

Gwynn: Oasis is a curse upon us all! And curses don't let go on their own, not until the ones they curse are dead! Look what I found! [holds up one of Oasis' knives^[N]]

August 14 2009

Sasha: Everything you've been telling me, Torg... it's a lot to take. Let me see if I've got this straight. Besides you and me, we're teamed with an intelligent sword powered by the blood of the innocent, a 'brains'-hungry zombie head tied to a stick, a vampire, and Bun-bun?

Torg: That's about right, yeah.

Sasha: Are you sure we're the good guys?

Torg: Well, if you have a problem with anyone on the team...

Sasha: No, it doesn't bother me.

Torg: Weird girl, Sasha.

Chapter 60: Paradise

October 2 2009

Riff: Pendantech, make a visual record. [Pendantech begins recording] If anyone finds this, I want to explain why I'm hiding... No, not hiding. It's for the best for everyone home. I see what I'm capable of, and it's too... [pauses] I already have blood on my hands. I can't think straight anymore anyway. No big loss. [another pause] Pendantech, delete this recording. I don't even know what I was trying to say. I don't care anymore. I want out. And if you want to escape forever, 4U City is paradise.

Chapter 61: Perspective

January 12 2010

Sasha: It doesn't bother me to be left out. But what I do find troubling is that you left Torg and Kiki in a blizzard and took seven days to tell us!

Bun-bun: Hey, it's not like I consciously left Nerdboy in that snowbank.

Sasha: You didn't?

Bun-bun: No! I knocked him unconscious first.

June 11 2010

Riff: [thinking] Rammer was right. I shouldn't have rolled the feed back. I shouldn't have heard Zoë screaming. Now I can't get that sound out of my head. I agonized over her death. I secretly hoped she could somehow be alive. And now it's all turned around. I still don't trust Rammer, but I need him for now. It was easier to discard him when I had nothing to lose. Now I have a purpose. I thought I killed you, Zoë. Now I have to find you and finish the job... set you free of the pain I caused. And I am going to tear this city down to the ground. For you.

November 1 2010

Bestseid: But I digress. Turns out instead of moving the mini-majors, she was eating them. And a most miraculous thing happened. She spoke! So I've been shrinking spare minions and feeding them to her. The more she eats, the more she seems to ...live. She's not ready for full-sized humans yet.

Minion Master: I digress as well. [screaming] HELP! HALP! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE! HE'S FEEDING HER PEOPLE! PEOPLE!!!! HALLLLP!

Bestseid: Oh please. You'd all be eating mini-minions with the right ad campaign.

November 11 2010

Torg: Let's go find Bestseid. You've got some skulls to crush, boss.

Crushestro: I'm glad you've come away to my way of thinking, "minion". But for the record I do not crush the skulls of women. Never. It's policy.

Torg: So how do we deal with the sister?

Crushestro: We will simply have to locate a professional grade wood-chipper.

Torg: Ouch. Is that policy too?

Crushestro: Ever since my re-divorce? Yes!

Chapter 62: 4U City Red

February 4 2011

Dr. Marcus Chen: I know it's only a token gesture and I'll remain under "house arrest", but I asked you to officially reinstate me.

Dr. Schlock: Fine. You're reinstated. Moving on.

Chen: "Reinstated." Such a meaningful word. What was my last official company ranking? Ah yes, Daedalus Hereti made me CEO, so I could take the fall and go to prison for his crimes.

Schlock: What? Wait... I...

Chen: As I have instantly bumped Dr. Schlock out of the CEO position, I order Kusari to ignore all orders from Dr. Schlock... and to kill everyone in this building, save for Daedalus Hereti.

February 7 2011

[Kusari and Chen have trapped Schlock in his panic room]

Schlock: You are not a chess master, Chen. You are a mosquito. Vicious. Bloody. Short-lived.

Chen: Harsh. But hollow. I've got control of the whole damn board, you have no other move.

Schlock: The board is bigger than you thought. Speaking of the board... I just needed to make sure all my Ts were crossed and Is were dotted before my next statement. As majority shareholder, I may make board room changes at will. CEO Chen, you are fired. I instate myself as new CEO unless any present board members object. Since all other board members are either running for their lives or slaughtered, motion is passed uncontested. Kusari. Retrieve and subdue Dr. Marcus Chen.

February 10 2011

Frog: So Corsica, now with Genarro out of the way, I was thinking you and I...

Corsica #38: CROAK!

Frog: "Too soon?" He's been dead for months! I've been dead inside for years, you warty harlot!

February 18 2011

Riff And a couple of blasts from that tower-mounted giant dimensional flux agitator? And you're back to an army of zero.

Alt-Torg: Which is why you're going to find a way to shut down that gun before the revolution begins. I want a plan on my desk, by tomorrow.

Riff: [reading out loud as he writes on a piece of paper] We... blow... it... up. [hands paper to Torg]

Alt-Torg: Very well. Carry on.

April 21 2011

Riff: After being responsible for Zoë's tragic death, and then somehow finding his way home, this dimension's Riff couldn't face Torg, or anyone. He hid under the deepest rock he could find, wrapping this city around him, and teleporting all his troubles away with his inventions. Unable to face even himself, he'd leave a standing order to destroy any Riff caught in the city and save any Zoë that washed up on his dimension shore.

Rammer: What are you saying?

Riff: I believe my dimensional counterpart built this whole city. Riff is "His Masterness".

Rammer: OK, now you're just being silly.

Riff: Why does everyone keep saying that? I am sooo capable of making something as cool as this city! Plus I have plenty of people issues!!!

April 28 2011

Rammer: You might want to lower your fingers, Riff. I don't want to kill you but you have technically "outlived your usefulness." Hmmm... actually, with all the mayhem you caused today, you proved to be "over-qualified for your usefulness."

Riff: Now that's an epitaph I can get behind!

July 1 2011

Riff: [recorded message to himself] You have to let Zoë go. And you have to stop hating yourself over it. Because it's gotten bigger than just you and me, and Torg and Zoë and Bikini Suicide Frisbee days. It's not about saving one friend. It's about saving the world. This world. And maybe someday our home. She was the best. The best. All the craziness Torg and I put her through? She always did right. By everyone. She always shined. Remember that. Embrace that. And then let her go. We still have work to do.

September 7 2011

Riff: Zoë, what happened, it's not good. Maybe I can tell Torg and...

Zoë: Oh hell no! I've destroyed a vampire queen, crushed a demon under my foot, I'm the goddamn Storm Breaker, and you will not treat me like some porcelain doll who can't take the truth!

Torg: You're so hot right now.

Zoë: Huh?

Torg: I said you're so right right now.

September 12 2011

[After Torg runs from the hotel room, Riff finds him outside]

Riff: Sorry if what I told you... if it got you upset.

Torg: I wasn't upset.

Riff: With all that crying?

Torg: Naw, I got something in my eye.

Riff: And you running off?

Torg: To the bathroom to flush my eye.

Riff: This is not the bathroom.

Torg: I couldn't tell. I had something in my eye!

September 15 2011

[Bun-bun finds Zoë sitting on a hill]

Bun-bun: "You are in my spot, toots. I'm going to have to hurt you on principle. Ka-click?"^[N] What? Not even a smile?

Zoë: I just found out I was taken apart and put back together like a jigsaw-puzzle. I suddenly can't tell if my skin fits right. I don't know if I'm me. So yeah, not smiling.

Bun-bun: Wow. Sounds like someone could use an online philosophy correspondence course. Let me save you $49.95. Once you're in a calm and peaceful state, ask yourself, "Who am I?" Then after you go, "Oh! I'm me," you can revel in your brilliance and start your own self-help movement. While we're waiting for that, you want to talk to me about skin? [places his cheek in Zoë's palm]

Zoë: Oh!

Bun-bun: Yep. It's a mess right under the fur. Oasis burned me bad. You nerds all wanted to get on the same page. Let me put you on the same page with me. No matter what they tell you, the actual plan is this: "You guys run around like special-needs-kids until one of you causes Oasis to rear her pretty head. And then I pay her back so hard she'll stay dead out of sheer terror of me." [hops away] Later, toots.

Chapter 63: Safehouse

February 20 2012

[after Riff sends out a countermeasure to the horde of animal "zombies"]

Riff: [over the phone] It might be another hour or two until you get the benefits of my changes. You'll know it when you see it. I gotta run.

Zoë: I wanted to talk to you about what's been going on here. What's your rush?

Riff: Zoë, I'm the only person in a room with a mutilated corpse and a bloodied cat and rabbit, surrounded by every illegal piece of hacking software ever invented. Two possible witnesses may be able to put me at the scene. I'm literally going to run now. Waving my arms and possibly screaming like a little girl.

Zoë: Question withdrawn. But you did good, Riff.

Chapter 64: The Research and Development Wars

April 10 2012

Dr. Irving Schlock: We'll head to China and use the D.F.A.s to blast the Lancer-5 production facility into another dimension! They won't be able to fulfill their contracts. That will be our counter-sabotage. We will win this sabotage war and get my military contracts back!

Kusari: Irving, I will do as you ask, but I do not agree with it.

Schlock: I know. If anyone finds out about our dimensional weapons before we arm the satellite with our orbital D.F.A.... we will bring the wrath of the world down on our heads. We'll just have to make sure there are no witnesses.

Kusari: No, I mean your use of the word 'sabotage'. An engagement eliminating armed opposing troops is not 'sabotage' by any traditional definition that I...

Schlock: Enough! If I say it's sabotage, it's sabotage. And tell Shankraft that he can no longer extend deadlines on a D.F.A. beam that can fire from orbit. Warn him that I have ordered you to kill him if he fails.

Kusari: I shall inform him that if he fails, I will sabotage his respiratory system.

[beat]

Schlock: I'm half-tempted to have you kill whoever finally taught you sarcasm, but I fear it might be me.

September 7 2012

Torg: I have to fix this. You understand.

Riff: Torg, would you listen to yourself? Me and you, saving the world from possible futures we created? Us?!? You're a failed freelance web designer and I couldn't hold a job down at a cookie factory. Maybe we shouldn't be saving the world multiple times. Maybe there are better people out there for this.

Torg: I know you're still hurt over Sasha but let's not exaggerate! My freelance web design company was going gangbusters before my secretary got cloned and was the basis of an plot to create an alien-clone-army to subjugate us all! [triumphantly lifts his sword over his head] Luckily, I stopped Cloney and saved the world!

Riff: Ugh. I'm going for a walk.

Torg: What? [lets go of his sword, whose tip has become stuck in the ceiling]

November 16 2012

Torg: Without me even trying, a beautiful girl throws herself at me. And with one thoughtless comment out of my mouth, she's furious, gone, and I'm alone and pathetic. And when I try to figure out how that makes me feel, I just shrug and think to myself "I don't know" and move on. [to Riff] So that's what it's like to be you!

Riff: Oh sure, if you want to glamorize it.

December 4 2012

Torg: I remember a wave of heat. No light or fire, just heat. And I couldn't breathe. And then I'm here. Am I dead?

Ex-Fate Spider: Oh, no. Not yet. There are things you are destined to do and things you shouldn't do and I'd be lying if I said they weren't the same.

December 17 2012

Torg: You only get powerful and vocal when powered with innocent blood. Where'd the blood come from?

Chaz: The cephalopod.

Torg: The squid-spear?

Chaz: Sentience where not expected can throw chaos into the cosmos. I can relate to this. Whatever they did to it gave it sentience. I felt it. Before I ended it, it just kept repeating "Why? Why? I don't understand, it hurts, why? Why?"

Torg: That's disturbing...

Chaz: Again, I can relate to this.

January 8 2013

[after Sasha appears in Torg's hotel room]

Torg: Well, if you're just going to sit there, answer me this. You were out of our lives for so long, and I called you in after the explosion where Riff and Zoë almost died. But you were still working for Hereti-Corp. Dr. Schlock used Oasis to kill Riff, allowing Zoë to die in the process. Did you know that was going to happen? [Sasha hangs her head] And chose not to warn us. I don't know if you're here for closure, or forgiveness, or to kill me. But I know if you don't leave right now, one of us is going to end up dead.

Chapter 65: Mohkadun

May 15 2013

Torg: Mr. Riff's Dad! Mr. Riff's Dad! I thought it would have been inappropriate to ask at Riff's funeral, but can I...?

Wilcott Wilden: You did ask at his funeral and I told you it was inappropriate. And yes, you can wear my hat.

June 18 2013

Agent Whisper: Without my hounds, your friends have escaped us. But now we have you. We're going to pull every secret out of your head. Especially where your friends are heading.

Torg: Not likely. I thought I was fighting monsters. But they were just innocent people you corrupted with your demonic magic.

Agent Whisper: Oh, they were innocent, were they?

Torg: [drawing his sword, which is glowing red] I have it on good authority at least one of them was.

Agent Whisper: You have a magic sword! Is it strong enough to take on demons, boy?

Torg: I am trying really hard not to giggle.

June 25 2013

[Zoë, who has just kissed Torg, is being carried through the air by a jealous Aylee]

Aylee: Wow, this brings back memories! Last time I was flying you around like this, Oasis threw knives through my throat and I almost died!

Zoë: You know how bad I feel about that, Aylee!

Aylee: No-no. Putting me between you and certain death is how I roll. Like now, only my grip is keeping gravity from taking you out. And it's not easy; I think you must be putting on weight.

Zoë: I... I think I'd like to walk the rest of the way.

September 13 2013

Symachus: My true fear is, what If this news reaches those attempting to free the destroyer? It may escalate their plans!

Gwynn: Hey! What was that?

Symachus: What?

Gwynn: The way you turned away and smiled!

Symachus: Did I?

Gwynn: Seems a little nefarious!

Symachus: It is just a nervous habit. [turns away and smiles] I assure you.

Gwynn: Stop doing that!

November 15 2013

[discovering that they are being tracked by demons]

Torg: It doesn't matter what they're planning. Because they don't know that we know that they know, we can use our knowness against them!

Bun-bun: You losers follow nerdboy. I'm just going to save time and surrender.

November 27 2013

Zoë: I think I've finally been hanging out with you guys for too long. I'm looking at some giant tires and weaponry and all I can think is "This is gonna be cooool."

January 20 2014

Zoë: Torg comes in two flavors these days. "Totally brain-dead" and "thinks way too much".

Torg: Which 'me' did you fall in love with?

Zoë: The split-second you between the two.

May 2 2014

Dunuloa: Kron always said we were to be the servants of mankind. But you were their servant, father! You gave everything to man! You gave man time! Justice! Power! Joy! But you did not give Farahn the one thing that would have kept mother and dear brother alive this day. Fear. So help me, I swear, mankind will know fear!

May 19 2014

Tempest: Do you remember the plan about bringing together all the potentials in the same spot as all of the ordained? Give me a ballpark time on the timeline where you think they'll all end up.

Googol the Fate-Spider: Why?

Tempest: How about all the potentials and a bunny god of power?

Googol: The Googol search is over! He'll be the center! The rallying cry? Sluggy Freelance! Now I just need to make sure everyone knows what Sluggy Freelance means.

June 4 2014

K'Z'K: No! No! I cannot be back in the book! Not after so many years of planning and thousands of years of execution! I'm the freaking extinction event! First a shoe, now an egg toss?!? Is it me?!?

Zoë: No, it's me, you donkey ass. Don't frick with the Stormbreaker. Oh yeah!

Torg: My girlfriend just p0wn3d the 'freaking extinction event!'

Riff: That one's a keeper! But please teach her to swear effectively.

June 12 2014

[after Bun-bun throws off Strom's kill-shot on Gwynn]

Strom: I really don't like to miss. I don't think I like you, rabbit.

Bun-bun: Tough. The nerder is with me.

Strom: The "nerder"?

Bun-bun: A plurality of nerd-boys-n-girls is called a "nerder of shmoes". Everyone knows that.

Chapter 66: The Road to Bjorkea

December 22 2014

[Sintos' ghost begins to fade away from Torg and the just-resuscitated Gwynn]

Bill Sintos: You see, I like you, kid. But I don't trust you. She's the opposite. She hates you, but she trusts you.

Gwynn: [coughing weakly] ...must kill Torg!

Sintos: That alone should make for an interesting marriage.

Torg: We're not a couple. And you better watch what you insinuate. Incorporeal or not, if anyone could find a way to knee you in the groin, it's her.

Chapter 67: Full House

June 12 2015

[after de-animating the Zombie Head on a Stick despite K'Z'K's mind games, Gwynn buries it]

Gwynn: Painless and peaceful. More than you deserved. When I think of how many innocent people you must have cut up and devoured with glee... it's hard to imagine. But then I remember you tried to do it to me. It'd be justice to have you suffering and moaning on the end of that stick for another hundred years. But this isn't about you. This is about me. I forgive you. Goodbye, Jane. Bug? Be warned. I'm burying you next.

June 17 2015

[Bun-bun discovers a secret office beneath his under-construction casino]

Bun-bun: Squishydodo. I didn't think you had the jingle-bells to go sneaking behind my back. I'll be sure to note how you impressed me in your eulogy.

Squishydodo: Sorry, Bun-bun. You're no longer authorized to slaughter me. We got a new boss.

Torg: [sitting behind a desk with a sign reading "The Boss"] You don't run the black-ops elves anymore, Bun-bun. I do. Hail to the king, baby.

September 23 2015

Zoë: You know you're doing amazing, Torg!

Torg: Trying not to show it, but I am a little stressed.

Zoë: Well, I don't want to add to that. [grabs Torg by the shoulders] So how about you very quickly explain why I'm number 23! Even new guys are getting better numbers than me! Who assigns numbers?

Torg: I do. "23" is for September 23rd. The day I met you. The day my life changed. And nothing has ever mattered as much.

Zoë: [after a pause] As I said, you're doing amazing. [kisses Torg] So why does Riff get "10"?

Torg: Because he is hawwwt!

Chapter 68: The Circle

March 1 2016

Torg: What the hell is wrong with you? I've never seen you more terrified in my life!

Riff: Do you remember that alternate dimension nightmare I told you about? 4U City?

Torg: Oh, right! That dystopian hell. So much suffering for so many people. Is that what you're dwelling on...?

Riff: That dimension's Riff and that dimension's 'Izzy' were married!!!

Torg: ...what now?

Riff: He said she married him after he killed her brother! I just killed this Izzy's brother! Torg! [whispering] She's going to marry me!

Torg: I think you're going to be OK! Your first impression was terrible. You seem like a cowardly Neanderthal and it's disgusting her. Just keep being yourself.

Riff: Thanks, man!

March 16 2016

[as Riff moves to cover them both with his coat]

Izzy: What? What are you doing?

Riff: My trenchcoat is insulated. It'll protect us from the heat.

Izzy: Does it work as well as your stake-gun that caught fire and blew up?

Riff: Yes, those were all features.

April 11 2016

Izzy: That was Bun-bun! From the files and talking to Anthony, I knew he was adorable and lethal. But in person, he's so much more of both! I can't tell what I want more! To cuddle him or to live!

April 15 2016

[Zoë and Torg announce that they are leaving and putting Riff in charge]

Torg: You see, Izzy there explained to me about you and monsters. Because I've never dealt with those before. Now I understand. You feel all the "innocent victims in the past" and blame yourself for all the "innocent victims of the future" if you don't step up and destroy the monster. The biggest monster in the world? Hereti-Corp with satellite flux weapons. Technology you created.

Zoë: It's your monster. Step up. We deserve a vacation anyway. Goodbye, Riff.

Chapter 69: Six Months Later...

October 25 2016

[Riff has compromised Teresa's cover in an emergency]

Riff: Do your best! Open that backdoor!

Teresa: You signed my death warrant; the least I can do is get the job done despite your stupidity. Oh, and Blondie? If I survive this? Next time I see you I'm going to kill you.

Riff: Get in line. Unless you mean literally. In which case, get in line.

Chapter 70: Falling

January 4 2017

[on Torg's decision not to let Teresa and Crushestro know that the other was alive]

Riff: Still, it was a crappy thing for Torg to do. And wrong. You'd think I'd know Torg by now.

Squishydodo: Let's not revisit questionable decisions by our leadership regarding Teresa, OK?

Riff: I was right to contact Teresa directly and blow her cover.

Squishydodo: [shouting] Let's not revisit any of the stupid God-awful unforgiveable bone-headed...

April 6 2017

[discussing the time when Oasis threw a knife into Aylee's neck because she was protecting Zoë]

Oasis: I was after her. I tend to get what I'm after. You guys are in luck that right now I'm after Hereti-Corp. [smiles sweetly] Sorry about the neck!

Aylee: No problem! I heal very quickly! It goes with my super-human alien strength and my razor sharp teeth that could eat all the skin off your face in less than a minute.

Oasis: I come back from the dead.

Aylee: [smiles sweetly] Oh, I wouldn't let you die...

May 8 2017

[Sasha has kidnapped Gwynn, but then murders a fellow Hereti-Corp agent and offers her help to Torg and Riff]

Sasha: I just need to see you, Riff! In person. You and me.

Torg: Dr. Schlock has a kill-order out for you, Riff! But Sasha just shot an ally in the face to prove she's not gonna do that to you!

Riff: They'd never go so far as to kill one of their own to expose me and our operation! Thus we can trust Sasha!

[both burst out laughing]

Torg and Riff: No.

Riff: Let Gwynn go before she hurts you, you freak.

May 24 2017

Riff: [to Sasha] I don't want your goddamn life story! This is all I want to know! If you care about me, why did you point a loaded gun at my head and open fire? And if you don't care about me, what is this charade about? Your five minutes are up. What's your bombshell?

May 30 2017

Riff: And by the way, you can have this back. There's closure for you!

Sasha: What's this?

Riff: The D.F.A. return remote! You built off of my concept. We never exchanged mood-rings, I never wore your sweater... it's the closest thing to symbolizing our time together.

Sasha: I never made it. Someone in Hereti-Corp R&D developed it. I don't know who. I don't have a 'tinker-y' bone in my body but they thought a shared interest would help us bond.

Riff: My God, it does symbolize our time together.

August 16 2017

[Torg's sword has nicked Kusari's arm]

Chaz: Whom shall we kill today, master?

Torg: What? Kusari's blood is innocent too? I'm starting to think you're a poor judge of character!

Chaz: The fact that I referred to you as 'master' leaves little doubt.

Torg: I... have no response to that.

November 22 2017

Torg: Wait, there are multiple Sashas? Are you guys still dating? Bow chicka bow-bow!

Riff: Dude! That's inappropriate. I'll chalk that up to your concussion. Also, no. I already asked.

Chapter 71: The Heavens and the Earth

December 22 2017

Dr. Shankraft: Torg, I read your file! We go way back, don't we? Your actions as an agent of the 'Minion Master' crushed my hopes and dreams, stealing my displacement drive and destroying my island base. Just like you did today with our home base. You are without a doubt, by sheer volume, the deadliest psychopath I've crossed paths with.

Torg: Um... sorry?

Shankraft: And you, Riff. The long-term effect of your dimensional flux inventions on the population of the world will dwarf Torg's body count. I've got only one thing to say to you both. [pause] Thanks! Thank you very much!

Riff: Um... welcome?

Shankraft: Without both of you, I'd never have met Dr. Daiyu here, the love of my life. "Great things can rise from fetid pits of wanton death and sorrow!"

Dr. Daiyu: That's my village's motto!

Shankraft: I know! I worked it into our vows!

Daiyu: I am so pleased!

February 16 2018

[channeling their "inner Riff"]

Zoë: The best defense is a big explosion. The best offense is a big explosion. When you want to sneak away during a distraction, you need...

Gwynn: A really big explosion.

April 16 2018

Agent McKay: I'm Agent McKay. I'm here to escort you to dinner with Dr. Schlock.

Gwynn: He didn't come in person?

McKay: He wants to have a nice dinner with you, but he really does not trust you.

Gwynn: So 'dinner' is why I got a dress instead of a jump-suit?

McKay: He wants to have a nice dinner with you.

Gwynn: [seeing their destination] We're having dinner in an airlock?!?

McKay: He really does not trust you.

October 11 2018

Riff: [as missiles close in on his unpowered ship] Torg, I was wrong. I never should have slammed that can into your skull. Wow, it actually sounds worse when I say it like that! You're my best friend. My brother. We should have talked it out. I'm sorry, I...

October 12 2018

[Schlock is unaware that the missiles have redirected from Riff's ship to his own escape pod]

Dr. Schlock: Poor Riff. Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Honestly, he did this to himself.

November 9 2018

Frog: To Doctor Irving Schlock. A genius and a good friend. And a terrible friend and an idiot.

Gwynn: You've just described all my friends.

November 29 2018

Oasis: Thanks to the deranged programming of a madman, I made Torg's life hell for years. I burned his true love alive and took her from him, almost permanently. And yet all he's shown me is kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. We could learn a lot from him. About what it means to be free. What it means to feel, and feel deeply. And despite all that, what it means to think and make noble choices. To not get lost in jealousy and vengeance.

Sasha-1: Are you proposing that we be the best "this" we can be?

Sasha-2: Heard that before.

Oasis: I'm just proposing we all try to be a little better than we are.

External links

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