Anxyclety

{(if:$showstats is not true)[(set:$showstats to false)]} A cool Saturday evening in summer. You've arrived in your first session of therapy. Across from you sits Dr. Morgan Fox. The chair is comfortable, the air conditioner feels great, and there's coffee in your hands. After some introductions and some background, Dr. Fox asks you to explain what made you decide to schedule this first session. You respond... [[It's been a hell of a week. (New Game)->1.1]] [[Give me a moment to gather my thoughts. (Settings)->Settings]] [[Why am I here again? (Credits)->Credits]]

{ (set:$energy to 1) (set:$hope to 4) (set:$energymax to 5) (set:$hopemax to 5) } Monday morning. You wake up a few minutes before your alarm, as usual. You were having a nice dream, and wish you could go back to having it. You're still tired from staying up too late last night, but you don't have enough time for any quality rest. And yet, the thought of starting your day right now feels terrible. So you lie there until your alarm finally rings, and ask yourself if work is worth it today. You often feel anxious and depressed. You've never been to a doctor about it, and neither have most of your peers who also feel this way. You are lucky to have a job that allows you to work from home sometimes, but you wonder if you're abusing the privilege. You feel guilty, like your reasons aren't good enough. Today, though? The thought of your one-hour commute is unbearable. (if:$energy >= 3)[ [[Suck it up and go immediately->1.1A]] |A)[: (-3 energy)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Suck it up and go immediately</del>]] [[Take time to eat breakfast and go in late->1.1B]] |B)[: (+2 energy, -1 hope)] [[Call in that you will be working from home->1.1C]] |C)[: (+4 energy, -2 hope)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[ Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

You just can't do it today. Maybe if you had slept better, or had time to eat something... [[Back->1.1]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Take time to eat breakfast and go in late >> You usually don't wake up early enough to do anything extravagant in the morning. Maybe eat a cold FlipTart on the way out the door. Today, you decide, you need a nice hot breakfast to start your day. It means going in almost an hour late, but nobody clocks in at your office. People trickle in constantly from 8AM to 9AM, and most don't do any meaningful work in that time. You rationalize that showing up at 9AM fed and ready is no worse than showing up at 8AM but taking an hour to get settled in. Sure enough, after a hearty meal and a modest cup of caffeine, you arrive at 9AM with no questions asked. But it's almost too quiet this morning, and your mind runs wild with what your colleagues think about you brazenly showing up an hour late. It takes you until 10AM to really get focused on your work, and you feel a slight pang of guilt. { (set:$energy to it +2) (set:$hope to it -1) } [[Evening comes...->1.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Call in that you will be working from home >> Your workload isn't too heavy this week, so you text your manager and let them know you'll be working remotely today. Really, you're going to take a mental health day and only do work when someone pings you with a task... but that's what you do in the office anyway. Only now, you save two hours commuting back and forth and don't need to dress yourself. Of course, this gives you plenty of unstructured time alone at home. Inevitably, guilt and anxiety creep in. You wonder if your colleagues think you're abusing your flex time. { (set:$energy to it +4) (set:$hope to it -2) } [[Evening comes...->1.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

Evening comes. After polishing off some leftover stir fry for dinner, you get a text from a friend. "Hey, we haven't seen you in a while! The gang is split 50/50 on going out or having a night in. Wanna swing the vote?" You love your friends, but you've found it harder and harder to hang out with them without feeling withdrawn or exhausted. It's nothing they do -- socialization is just draining sometimes. You know some of them really enjoy going out and drinking, but your last experience doing that left a sour taste. A night in might be easier, but there will be sighs and laments of boredom from the "go out" camp. It's true they haven't seen you in a while. Maybe because trying to plan a gathering is always this challenging. (if:$energy >= 2)[ [[Go out drinking with them.->1.2A]] |A)[: (-2 energy, -2 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Go out drinking with them.</del>]] (if:$energy >= 1)[ [[Spend the night in with them.->1.2B]] |B)[: (-1 energy, +1 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Spend the night in with them.</del>]] [[Decline the invitation.->1.2C]]|C)[: (+1 energy, -1 hope)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[ Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Go out drinking with them. >> You know your limits well enough. You think your friends do too. It's just they don't seem to care about them. Maybe it won't be so bad tonight, though? You meet everyone at your hometown bar from when you were all early-twenty-somethings. More people showed up than you were expecting, but that's alright. You're genuinely happy to see some of these faces. Of course, because it's been so long, everyone is buying you shots, insisting you "keep up" for "old times' sake." Nevermind that you were never a heavy drinker in the first place. But, not wanting to spoil the mood, you relent. And get sick almost immediately. One them offers you a ride home. They try to console you a bit on the way: "Hey, at least it's still early. Your whole night isn't lost yet." You appreciate the thought, but this person was just pouring alcohol down your throat a few minutes ago. You'll be as miserable as you want to. And boy do you feel miserable. (set:$energy to it -2) (set:$hope to it -2) [[Next->1.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Spend the night in with them. >> You've been dying to play Super Slam Buddies ever since you bought it, but haven't had anyone to enjoy it with. Luckily, this is a crowd that's usually down for video games on the couch. Most of them, anyways. You offer to bring the game over to the host's place. There's always a few friends that sigh and lament that they'd be having more fun going out. Not just occasionally, but any time the group does a night in. Whatever. Let 'em mope. You order pizzas, hook up the Pretendo Swap, and catch up over some 8-player brawling. It's an outrageously fun time, and you find yourself feeling unusually... light. You missed these people. Inevitably, you feel the urge to call it a night so you can go home and settle down before bed. Even among the best of friends, socialization can take it out of you. But you don't regret it. You head home smiling and humming the game's theme song. { (set:$energy to it -1) (set:$hope to it +1) } [[Next->1.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Decline the invitation. >> "I'd love to, but..." How many times have you sent this message? You wish they hadn't put it on you to decide the evening's activities. Whatever you choose, about half of the group would be unsatisfied. You're not even sure you'd have fun either way - going out and staying in both sound like different flavors of uncomfortable. "... but I just can't make it work tonight. Next time, I promise!" Your friends are understanding, but you wonder how long they'll keep believing "next time, I promise." You wonder if you believe it yourself. That night, you feel lonely, and the irony does not escape you. At least you feel relaxed, if a little disappointed. (set:$energy to it +1) (set:$hope to it -1) [[Next->1.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

Why is it that every morning you feel deathly tired, but every night before bed, your mind won't stop spinning its wheels? Your sleep cycle sucks. If you drink caffeine after six or take a nap during the day, you can't get any rest. And you're never not drinking caffeine. You've tried to quit several times, but the cycle of withdrawl, headaches, and inevitable return to the substance is just not worth it. You're determined to get a good eight hours of sleep tonight, but you're not really tired. You're more in the "think of every bad thing you've done since you were six" stage of the circadian rhythm. What can you do? (if:$hope >= 3)[ [[Take a bath, read in bed, try to wind down slowly.->1.3A]] |A)[: (+5 energy, requires 3 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Take a bath, read in bed, try to wind down slowly.</del>]] [[Scroll through Chirper in bed until you get bored.->1.3B]] |B)[: (+2 energy, -1 hope)] [[Lie still and force yourself to go to sleep.->1.3C]] |C)[: (+3 energy)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Take a bath, read in bed, and wind yourself down. >> You have a lot of books you never read. Reading makes you sleepy. Maybe tonight is the night you finally crack one open. You have this one about the woman trucking across the country, looking for her missing wife, while fleeing this horrifying omni-present monster man. You know, perfect bedtime reading. You take a nice long soak in the tub, put on your comfiest pajamas, and get fifteen pages into your book before dozing off. (set:$energy to $energymax) [[Drift off to sleep...->1.S]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Scroll through Chirper in bed until you get bored. >> You follow a grab-bag of web creators, celebrities, game developers, and people you didn't hate in high school on the Chirper social media app. You like that it collapses the distance between you and people you might otherwise never communicate with. But you also don't it when those people are spewing rotten hot takes all over your feed. This app is sometimes more like a direct IV of anger for you than a constructive social platform. Eventually you become weary of it, and set down your phone. (set:$energy to it +2) (set:$hope to it -1) [[Drift off to sleep...->1.S]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Lie down and force yourself to go to sleep. >> Nope. Still just thinkin' about every bad thing you've done since you were six. Turning your mistakes over and over in your mind, until they're smooth and round as river stones. Eventually you do drift off and get a decent night's sleep. (set:$energy to it +3) [[Drift off to sleep...->1.S]]

When you arrive at work, something you've been fearing rears its ugly head. You're pulled aside by a colleague for a private reprimand. "It's really not fair to everyone else for you to walk in an hour late or more like it's nothing." Oh shit. I knew it. People have noticed. "Same goes for working remote almost every week. Things are pretty flexible around here, but there's a reason we still co-locate. Our quality of work suffers when we don't get any face time with our teams." What if they go to your manager with this? What if they already have? Will you get demoted? Pay docked? Fired? What can't they do?! You need to get out of this. You can't afford to put your job in danger. (if:$energy >= 2 and $hope >= 5)[ [[Take the criticism gracefully. Resolve to do better.->3.1A]] |A)[: (-2 energy, requires 5 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Take the criticism gracefully. Resolve to do better.</del>]] (if:$energy >= 2 and $hope >= 3)[ [[Deflect. Everyone does it, so it doesn't matter.->3.1B]] |B)[: (-2 energy, requires 3 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Deflect. Everyone does it, so it doesn't matter.</del>]] [[Break down.->3.1C]] |C)[: (-5 hope)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Maybe it's time to take control of your life. You can beat this thing, you just need some help. >> You feel a bit lighter already. Tomorrow, you're gonna do something about this. For now, though... [[Rest.->3.S]]

<< Things have only gotten worse over time. You refuse to struggle alone until every single day is a battle. >> Enough is enough. Tomorrow, you're gonna do something about this. For now, though... [[Rest.->3.S]]

<< If you don't get help soon, you might break down completely. >> You're gonna do something about this. Tomorrow, before it's too late. For now, though... [[Rest.->3.S]]

You're lying down, unable to sleep. You can't shake this wretched cycle of worries, this feeling of powerlessness. Every time something bad happens, no matter how miniscule, it always creates this cascade of bullshit, and you feel like the only way out is to spend energy you don't have trying to grit your teeth through it all. Usually you just end up messing up even more. You feel really fed up this whole mental health thing. (if:$hopemax is 5)[ [[Maybe it's time to take control of your life. You can beat this thing, you just need some help.->3.3A]] |A)[: (No despair days)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Maybe it's time to take control of your life. You can beat this thing, you just need some help.</del>]] (if:$hopemax >= 3)[ [[Things have only gotten worse over time. You refuse to struggle alone until every single day is a battle.->3.3B]] |B)[: (One despair day)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Things have only gotten worse over time. You refuse to struggle alone until every single day is a battle.</del>]] [[If you don't get help soon, you might break down completely.->3.3C]] |C)[: (Two despair days)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Agree, and open up to them. >> You invite them over on the pretense of talking things out. They bring tissues and ice cream. You can't pretend those aren't necessities at a time like this. After going over the week's events, they mention therapy in passing. You laugh at first. The thought of getting professional help has always been kind of a joke, even among people you know have it just as bad as you. "I won't press you, but I'm just gonna leave this here. Dr. Fox is an excellent counselor." Your friend drops a business card on your nightstand. After that, you don't talk much more about it. Your immediate emotional pain is relieved, and you spend the rest of the night enjoying yourselves. They head home pretty late into the night, and then you're left alone with your thoughts again. { (set:$energy to it -3) (set:$hope to it +1) } [[Next->3.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Agree, but avoid talking about your feelings. >> You invite them over, but when asked about your recent struggles, you mostly laugh or shrug them off. You don't want to bring them down with your stuff. At one point, while talking about the therapist they've been seeing, your friend gives you a funny look. "You know, if you ever think you need some help yourself... Not that I'm saying you don't have everything together! But everyone needs help sometimes, and..." they say. You raise an eyebrow. "I'll just leave this here." They put a business card on your nightstand. "Ignore it if you aren't interested." They smiles at you, and you shrug. After that, the night passes pretty normally. It's pretty late by the time they leave, and then you're left alone with your thoughts again. { (set:$energy to it -2) (set:$hope to it -2) } [[Next->3.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Decline. Make up an excuse to get out of it. >> "Sorry. I think I just need a night to myself after everything that's been going on." They don't press you any further, and wish you a happy weekend. You really wish you'd stop pushing people away when you're at your loneliest. You regret turning them down, but you're too embarrassed to ask them to come over after all. Disgusted with yourself, you decide to just call it a night. { (set:$hope to it -3) } { (if:$hope <= 0)[ [[Lie down.->3.X]] ] (else:)[ [[Next.->3.3]] ] } |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Take the criticism gracefully. Resolve to do better. >> "You're right. I've been going through some stuff lately, but I shouldn't leave others to pick up my slack. I'll try to show up on time more often. I'm sorry if you felt like I was taking advantage." Their manner changes. "Oh my gosh, I had no idea! I'm sorry, it's just..." They go on for a while, repeating what they said before. "It's cool. I should still try to do better," you say. "Is everything okay? Do you need someone to talk to about it? Because..." They ramble. You hesitate, then say something as vague as possible about your mental health. You really don't feel like getting vulnerable with someone who might have just been trying to get you in trouble. After politely excusing yourself, you sit down at your desk. You're now an hour and a half late getting started, and you're already exhausted. { (set:$energy to it -2) } [[Next->3.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Deflect. Everyone does it, so it doesn't matter. >> "I mean, doesn't everyone just kinda come in whenever? As long as we get our work done, what does it matter? I see people watching ViewToo, playing games, and just chilling at their desks all the time. Even you." You aren't being accusatory. That's how things are here. Maybe acknowledging it is some kind of taboo though, because your captor does not seem placated. "Yes, but everyone else comes in on time." You're pretty sure you're not even the last person in most days. "Just don't let it become an issue, okay?" "Uh, sure. I'll try harder," you admit. You get back to your desk and wonder why it matters to them. They aren't your manager. They're not even on your team. You're not very motivated the rest of the day. { (set:$energy to it -2) } [[Next->3.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Break down. >> It's finally happened. Someone caught on and now you're going to get fired. How many hours of pay have you stolen by coming in late? You feel sick. You are so embarrassed. You feel stupid for letting your issues get in the way of your work. You can't even come in on time, and for what? "Um. Are you okay?" your coworker asks. Their expression has changed. You realize your eyes are getting hazy. "Uh. Yeah. I gotta go." You wipe your face on your sleeve and power-walk as fast as you can back to your desk. You can't be here. You grab your laptop bag and leave, texting your manager on the way out that you got suddenly sick and need to work remotely. You don't have any more sick days to use, but you also know you won't be doing any work today. { (set:$hope to it -5) } [[Go home.->3.X]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

When you finish work that day, you're feeling pretty crappy about everything in general. You're scared of what your coworker might say to your manager, even if you do try to start showing up on time. At least it's Friday. As you're getting ready to do absolutely nothing for the next 48 hours, the friend you saw Chriping yesterday messages you. "Hey, how was your day? Are you busy tonight?" they ask. "Uh, kinda rough," you start typing. And then you wonder if you have the energy to get into things tonight. Seeing them tonight might help you take your mind off of things, but you were also hoping to just hide from your own existence for a while. Are you really up for socializing tonight? (if:$energy >= 3)[ [[Agree, and open up to them.->3.2A]] |A)[: (-3 energy, +1 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Agree, and open up to them.</del>]] (if:$energy >= 2)[ [[Agree, but avoid talking about your feelings.->3.2B]] |B)[: (-2 energy, -1 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Agree, but avoid talking about your feelings.</del>]] [[Decline. Make up an excuse to get out of it.->3.2C]] |C)[: (-3 hope)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Have some caffeine and stretch your legs. >> You lock your computer and head back to the breakroom for a cup of hot caffeine of your choice. You aren't one of the handful of people here to have a standing desk, so getting out of the chair and moving a bit feels nice. One of your coworkers shows up to chat about some nerdy stuff he bought last weekend: pretensiously expensive polyhedral dice, coffee, and keycaps. He isn't snobby about liking nice things, though. Even though you don't share in his refined tastes, he makes it easy to humor him. It took some effort, but your mind feels clearer. You head back to your desk and make good progress the rest of the day, stopping every once in a while for a stretch. { (set:$energy to it -1) } [[Next->2.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

You were on time to work this morning. Good for you! Unfortunately, after lunch break, you can't seem to focus on anything. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten fast food again? You find yourself wandering between several open tabs. Scanning the first paragraph of an article here, then snapping back to your work. Watching the first few seconds of a video there, then back to work. Listening to music then immediately turning it off to concentrate. You aren't terribly busy, but your mind just feels foggy. It's hard to get anything done. (if:$energy >= 1)[ [[Have some caffeine and stretch your legs.->2.1A]] |A)[: (-1 energy)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Have some caffeine and stretch your legs.</del>]] [[Slack off and websurf a bit.->2.1B]] |B)[: (+1 hope)] [[Double down and try to focus on your work.->2.1C]] |C)[: (-1 energy, -1 hope)]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Slack off and websurf a bit. >> Maybe if you just set aside a half-hour to deliberately goof off, you'll feel better afterward? It works, sort of. You catch up on some of the educational videos on ViewToo you like so much. You've always enjoyed learning fascinating stuff that's otherwise not very useful. It clears your headfog a bit to focus on something you enjoy. One of your colleagues on the same project as you interrupts you while your headphones are on. How long was she standing there? You feel bad. She asks if you'd like to get to work on a new task. "You know, whenever you're not busy. No rush." You know she's not just being faux-polite, and is usually wont to slack off a bit herself... but you can't help but feel like you're holding her back. If you were more motivated, you would have been on top of things and gotten the ball rolling without having to be asked. You open your calendar to schedule a meeting in an open conference room... ... Maybe one more video first. { (set:$hope to it -1) } [[Next->2.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Double down and try to focus on your work. >> You try your hardest to stay on task. No breaks! Just keep chugging away. Oh shit. You sent a report to your manager full of really preventable mistakes. He points them out graciously enough: "There were a few places that weren't quite up to best practices. Just fix those up. Otherwise, it looks good." You don't think of yourself as a perfectionist, but when people catch you on stupid mistakes like that, you feel an utter fool. You'd much prefer to hand them something watertight and get criticism on more substantial things than the best practices that everyone should already know. What's worse, is that by the time you've fixed things up and sent them back again, the work day is over, and you feel unreasonably exhausted. { (set:$energy to it -1) (set:$hope to it -1) } [[Next->2.2]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Forget it. Don't eat anything. >> That berating voice wins out. You don't have the energy to fight it. "You don't deserve to eat. You can't even lift a knife right now." You're right. "You'd just mess it up if you tried. Where did you learn to cook anyway? Are you Corbin Hambsey? Are you Walton Crown? No! You're just a -" You're right. Your stomach growls all night, but you never give in. Giving in now would feel even more shameful than skipping a meal, if you can believe that. { (set:$hope to it -2) } [[Next->2.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Cook a proper meal. >> You don't have much to work with, but dammit, you are eating tonight. And not just junk food. You've got some fresh produce, a big bag of rice... "Wait, didn't you just have stir fry? Is this all you can make? Is this all you know how to make?" Maybe, but you need to eat. "Don't you get tired of eating the same things all the time? Doesn't it get boring?" Maybe, but I know I can make this, and it's got vegetables. "..." You feel silly arguing with your internal monologue, but sometimes that bastard needs putting in his place. He has a point, you would love to have more variety in your meals, but just for tonight, this is what you've got. It takes over an hour start to finish. But it's rewarding work. Cooking engages your whole body and mind, and for a while, there's no room for worries and woe. Just you, your senses, and the food. And it tastes great. { (set:$energy to it -3) (set:$hope to it +1) } [[Next->2.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Eat a depression meal. >> There's no way you're cooking tonight. You're just too exhausted. You lament your empty freezer, dreaming of frozen pizzas, TV dinners, or anything else filling and low-effort. Alas. There's a box of saltine crackers in your cupboard. Score! You rip open a sleeve and start munching. Maybe if you had some... no, no pepperoni. What about... nope, no cheese either. Apples? Eugh, starting to go bad. You guess you're just eating these crackers tonight. You demolish the whole box in one evening while watching anime, and feel somewhat ashamed of yourself. You make a note to get more next time you're out shopping, though. { (set:$energy to it -1) (set:$hope to it -1) } [[Next->2.3]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Text and send memes to cheer them up. >> Hey, you don't have to leave the house to help them feel better, right? You Peep-Message (PM) them some funny memes on Chirper and get them talking about things. The floodgates open. They've been having a rough time. It's emotional labor, but you love this person, and they've often been there when you needed help too. They vent, you empathize, they ask for advice, you offer what you can. They seem pretty well cheered-up after a while, and you just exchange funny videos into the wee hours of morning. (set:$energy to it +2) [[Drift off to sleep...->2.S]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Ignore them and go to bed. >> If they really wanted to talk to someone, they'd reach out to you, right? Maybe they just needed to Chirp it to get it off their chest. Besides, you don't feel up to providing emotional support right now. You're feeling run down enough yourself. You decide you'll ask them about it next time you see them, and hit the hay. (set:$energy to $energymax) (set:$hope to it -2) [[Drift off to sleep...->2.S]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

<< Pick them up and talk over a midnight snack. >> It's late, but duty calls. "Put your pants back on, we're getting gas station mozzarella sticks," you Chirp at them. Soon enough, you're both eating deep fried cheese and driving around town, talking about everything. You treasure these close moments. Just the two of you, being yourselves in each other's company. No expectations, just picking up on your friendship wherever it left off last time you saw them. You lament that you see them so rarely these days. All the more reason to appreciate this now. Driving and talking wears you both out pretty quick, so you drop them off and dive into bed as soon as you get home. You think this will be an especially restful night. (set:$energy to it +3) [[Drift off to sleep...->2.S]] |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

Around 6:00PM, like clockwork, your stomach starts rumbling again. You're too tired to go order out, or buy groceries, but you're not sure you have anything to cook at home. You start to feel guilty for that fast food earlier today. You rummage through your kitchen for anything quick and easy, but come up empty. You would have to fire up the stovetop and put in effort to make a meal, and you aren't sure if you're up for that... "What's wrong with you? Why is it so hard to just feed yourself? Aren't you hungry? Be an adult and cook for yourself, dammit!" You can't help it. Your internal monologue berates you for having difficulty with this whole dinner thing. It shouldn't be this hard. Why is it this hard? Maybe you should just skip dinner tonight... [[Forget it. Don't eat anything.->2.2A]] |A)[: (-2 hope)] (if:$energy >= 3)[ [[Cook a proper meal.->2.2B]] |B)[: (-3 energy, +1 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Cook a proper meal.</del>]] (if:$energy >= 1)[ [[Eat a depression meal.->2.2C]] |C)[: (-1 energy, -1 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Eat a depression meal.</del>]]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

You're scrolling through Chirps before bed that night when you notice one that your friend Chirped. It sounds like a cry for help. You know their situation. They're finally making moves to be with their significant other, but hardly any of their family or friends approves of the relationship. They could probably use some company right now... but your pants are already off. (if:$hope >= 3)[ [[Text and send memes to cheer them up.->2.3A]] |A)[: (+2 energy, requires 3 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Text and send memes to cheer them up.</del>]] [[Ignore them and go to bed early.->2.3B]] |B)[: (+5 energy, -2 hope)] (if:$hope >= 2)[ [[Pick them up and talk over a midnight snack.->2.3C]] |C)[: (+3 energy, requires 2 hope)] ] (else:)[(text-colour: "#696969")[<del>Pick them up and talk over a midnight snack.</del>]]\ {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A,?B,?C)]}\ |stats)[Energy: $energy/$energymax Hope: $hope/$hopemax ] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?stats)]

"... Which brings us here and now," you say. Your therapist nods. "Thank you for sharing that with me. I want to talk about some strategies we can develop to help you be more self-aware. When you're having a bad week, you'll be able to assess your state of mind and make more informed decisions." "What do you say?" Mindfulness unlocked! Your Energy and Hope gauges are now visible. {(set:$showstats to true)} [[Replay?->1.1]] [[Credits->Credits]]

You head straight to bed and wrap yourself in the covers. This week has wrung you of your spirits. You've had enough existing for now. You cry bitterly into your pillow until your body is sore. Then you lie still, unthinking, until you slip away. The void of senseless sleep is more comforting than the thorny substance of waking. And then, the sounds of distant murmuring and shuffling rouse you. You sit up, still achey, to see your friend straightening up your room. Seeing you rise, they dolphin dive onto your bed and squeeze you into a tight hug. Your throat catches. Cold resignation replaced by a spark of warm feeling. "You weren't answering my calls or texts. I was so worried..." They proceed to tearfully explain things into your shoulder. You look at the clock. You've been asleep for over twelve hours. And apparently you didn't lock your door. "Listen... You don't have to carry on like this," your friend sniffles. They reach into a pocket and hand you a business card. [[Next->4.0]]

You wake up, remembering there was something you had to do. As you reach to your nightstand to check your phone, you find the business card your friend left. [["... Which brings us here and now."->4.0]]

{ (if:$hope <= 0)[ (set:$hopemax to it -2) [Today was hard. You feel yourself slipping a little deeper into despair.] |S1A)[ You ended the day with no hope. Max hope reduced by 2.] ] (else:)[ [Today was okay. At least things aren't getting worse.] ] } (set:$hope to $hopemax) Nevertheless, you hope for a better day tomorrow. |S1B)[Your hope has been restored to its maximum of $hopemax.] {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?S1A,?S1B)]} {(if:$energy > $energymax)[(set:$energy to $energymax)]} [[Wake up.->2.1]]

{ (if:$hope <= 0)[ (set:$hopemax to it -2) [Today was hard. You feel yourself slipping a little deeper into despair. |S1A)[You ended the day with no hope. Max hope reduced by 2.]] ] (else:)[ [Today was okay. At least things aren't getting worse.] ] (set:$hope to $hopemax) } Nevertheless, you hope for a better day tomorrow. |S1B)[Your hope has been restored to its maximum of $hopemax.] {(if:$showstats is true)[(show:?S1A,?S1B)]} {(if:$energy > $energymax)[(set:$energy to $energymax)]} [[Wake up.->3.1]]

Made in Twine/Harlowe 2.1.0 Updated 7/31/2021 Programmed and written by Adam Marsh (`@AC_Marshy`) Additional contributions from: - Alexis - Ashley - Claire - Katie - Peter - Ray - Taylor And many others. (Thank you all for pouring your stories into this game.) And thank you, player, so much. This has been a labor of love for me, and the feelings and experiences of like a dozen people are riding in this game. I hope they reached you. If you struggle with mental health, we feel you. You aren't alone. That being said, this has been a work of fiction. It's an incredibly reductive picture of depression and anxiety, and I'm almost certain there are things in here I've gotten wrong. Please forgive me -- thousands of hours could (and should!) be spent doing justice to issues like this, but alas, I had less than a hundred. If you felt like your experience of mental illness was not represented here, I apologize. Your story is still valid, and worthy of being told. Also, you deserve to seek help if you can afford it. Not everyone can though, and that is another limitation of the perspective this game offers. The theme of the Extra Credits Game Jam #3 (which this game was made for!) was "Cycles." Our interpretation was "the cycles of negative emotions caused by even the smallest inciting incidents, perpetuated by depression and axiety." The idea started with the thought of "recycling emotions," like taking hurt and turning it into either anger or strength. The concept evolved from there into a game about deciding how to deal with every-day struggles while limited by your own lack of energy or motivation. If you've completed the game already, I recommend replaying it with the bonus you unlocked in the last scene. If you're reading these credits from the start menu, you don't know what that is yet. :) Go find out. [[Main Menu->0.0]]

You are recommended to play through the game at least once before enabling Mindfulness. Mindfulness is currently: |A)[active]|B)[inactive]. (if:$showstats is true)[ [[Turn Mindfulness off]] ] (else:)[ [[Turn Mindfulness on]] ] [[Back->0.0]] (if:$showstats is true)[(show:?A)] (else:)[(show:?B)]

Mindfulness enabled. (set:$showstats to true) [[Back->0.0]]

Mindfulness disabled. (set:$showstats to false) [[Back->0.0]]