From the course: Conflict Resolution For Beginners

Assertive vs. aggressive

From the course: Conflict Resolution For Beginners

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Assertive vs. aggressive

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- "To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself." Edith Eva Eger said that in her book "The Choice: Embrace the Possible." We've all experienced someone who uses threats and intimidation to get their way. Maybe it was a boss, a parent or a coworker. When aggression shows up in this way, it is easy to spot and name. They are trying to scare me into doing things their way without any consideration for what I want, think or feel. But many people do not recognize some of the other ways that aggression shows up. In my experience, most people have a hard time distinguishing between when they are being assertive and when they are being aggressive. In this lesson, you will learn the key elements in distinguishing between assertive and aggressive responses. If you are looking to get people to be more cooperative, work with you and not against you, then knowing how to be assertive is crucial. Assertiveness is standing up for yourself and depending on how or if you were taught to do that, you could easily come off as being aggressive. The distinction between the two often comes down to four things. Tone of voice, intention, inflection and choice of words. If you speak in a demanding tone, if you use certain words that indicate absolute power over someone, if you emphasize words with the intention of forcing or manipulating, then you have strayed from the island of assertion and you are now in aggression land. An assertive statement like I need this information by end of day, the client has been waiting a month for it can be completely compromised by an impatient tone with the intent of forcing them and then emphasizing in a mean way how long the client has been waiting. In fact, I want you to say that statement in that way. I need this information by end of day, the client has been waiting a month for it. Say that three times out loud. Now practice saying the same statement assertively, using a tone that respects them as a person who has an assignment that needs to be prioritized because the client has been waiting longer than they should have. Something like I need this information by end of day, the client has been waiting a month for it. It's important to get familiar with the ways in which your tone, intention, inflection and word emphasis can cross the line between assertive and aggressive. And notice if you pick up on aggression, is it a passive aggressive tone or a more in your face aggressive? Were you able to really hear yourself and identify the difference? It is often challenging to pick up the difference because things like culture play a key role. Stereotypes related to cultural norms can cause people to label passion as aggression or active silence as passive. Yes, culture complicates things but giving thought and practice to how you can deliver your best assertive statement will really help you understand how they are different for you. So one last thing for you to do. Practice again and this time, record yourself and see if you can hear the difference. You could even play it for someone else and have them weigh in on whether they think you are being assertive or aggressive. And in my best assertive voice, I say go to it.

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